Top 10's!

Top 10 sayings heard at a NASCAR race that sound BAD but really are not. 10. Boy I'd like to have some gas. 9. She's bent out of shape I'll bring her in you guys beat her down. 8. You can slip in the middle now. 7. We'll be ok if I can get high. 6. Damn shes tight. 5. Damn shes loose. 4. Damn im smokin tonight Im coming in for 4 more rubbers. 3. Hes going down on me 2. Looks like you blew a seal And the number one saying heard at a NASCAR race that sounds BAD but isnt 1. Looks like you got Dick Trickle on your ass. Thanks KAT!!

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR WIFE WAS OBSESSED WITH NASCAR 10. Damned lugnut jewelry left nasty bruises when line dancing 9. Got you out of bed every morning using heavy duty floor jack 8. The "move over" flag at your local track looked suspiciously like the nightie you gave her last Christmas 7. Always "impounded" your underwear for inspection when you returned from a "night out with the boys" 6. Still complaining about you jumping the start and her always recording a DNF 5. Put a restrictor plate on your stereo volume knob 4. Attached a bitchin' spoiler to the Kirby 3. Chugged a six pack of Red Dog, smoked a pack of Camels and washed your Hooters t-shirts in all temperature Tide 2. Kids attended Easter service dressed as the Goodwrench pit crew AND THE NUMBER 1 SIGN YOUR WIFE WAS OBSESSED WITH NASCAR: 1. Kept giving you the black flag in bed for using "leaky equipment"

TOP 10 LEAST POPULAR WINSTON CUP EVENTS 10. The Stained Hanes 500 9. Pepto Bismol Goodretch 250 8. The all virgin- First Union 500 7. The Dover "falling" Downs and I can't get up, 911 6. Spam's Cholesterol Classic 5. Goody's "Not Tonite, I've Got A Headache" Powders 400 4. Slim Fast's- Cellulite At The Glen 3. Kevorkian's Diehard 200 2. Slick Willie's, Slick 50 endurance run to Levenwoth AND THE NUMBER ONE LEAST POPULAR WINSTON CUP EVENT: 1. "Pricks in the Desert"- The Phoenix Cactus Classic

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR KID'S WATCHED TOO MUCH RACING: 10. Begs you to sing him to sleep with the Penzoil theme 9. Afraid to go to sleep for fear Jr. Johnson is hiding under his bed 8. He's always asking the neighbor lady if she'd like a "high speed rear end lube" 7. Goes trick or treating dressed as Morgan Shepherd 6. Teachers find it difficult to correct his counting practice of-1,2, 3 YOU BASTARD! 4,5,6,7,8,9,10 5. Explains "F" on report card as "just one a them flunky deal,we'll get 'em next quarter" 4. Prefers Slick 50 on his Wheaties instead of milk 3. Says Speedy Dry works just as good on the bed wetting problem as it does on oil 2. When sleep walking acts so much like Sterling Marlin it's spooky AND THE NUMBER 1 SIGN YOUR KID WATCHES TOO MUCH RACING: 1. Stands up in church about race time and yells " Yikes it's pea soup time I'm gettin' possessed!"

TOP 10 COOL THINGS HEARD ON THE PIT RADIOS 10."Cool! I can hold my breath AND keep my eyes closed down the entire backstretch!" 9. "I'm coming in on lap 80-I need fuel, rubber-and get this damned Dave Despain outta the car!" 8. "Mikey Waltrip just tried to punch me in the face, can you guys get his hand loose from the window-net for me?" 7."Careful going into turn 3, the Family Channel Blimp has scraped the wall" 6. "Geez, I either got a tire going down or the pitroad official is still stuck under the car" 5. "Hold your line, Schader should be barrel rolling by you any second" 4. "Everytime I get behind Lake Speed I get really loose- I think he's leaking Spam juice" 3. "Better stay out for a few extra laps, Jr. Johnson is headed this way with a tire iron and I don't think it's to help us get our hubcaps off!" 2. "OK ya talked us into filling your "cool suit" with Bud, but ya better stop sucking on it" AND THE NUMBER 1 COOL THINK HEARD ON THE PIT RADIOS: 1. "Hey! Throw a caution, Spencers takin'a leak out the window!"

TOP TEN CHANGES RUSTY WALLACE HAS OKAY'D WITHOUT NASCAR KNOWING.... 10.) Miller Lite in water bag. 9.) Secret little compartment for hiding Playboy he reads during that long wait before start of race. 8.) Picture of Mark Martin's motor on inside of hood so Pit Crew can see what a REAL Ford engine looks like. 7.) The "Bat-Cable" (Batman Forever). 6.) Security System that announces "Please move away from the car" whenever he is in battle for position. 5.) Wind-Up mechanism that makes that cool sound like the one heard from Sterling Marlin's car. 4.) VCR set up to feed scenes from winning season into in-car camera. 3.) "$20,000 for Roof Flaps? Better put the seat belt back in, Boys..." 2.) CD Player hidden in dash and cranking "NASCAR: Running Wide Open". ....And the #1 Change Rusty Wallace Has Okay'd Without NASCAR Knowing... 1.) It really IS a Pontiac!!

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT THE CBS BROADCAST TEAM IS LIVING IN YOUR GARAGE:From 10. Your rake is full of Rayon "hair" 9. You notice your garden hose snaked under the door and you hear "Ned would you be a sweetie and lueffa my back?" 8. Dave Despain's sportcoat bears a strong resemblance to your missing mower grass catcher bag 7. Old folks keep calling your number asking for Dr. Punch's enema recipe 6. You find a deflated Goodyear blimp in your trash 5. While watching the race your son yells out- "Daddy, that guy looks just like uncle Ken with the funny raincoat who sleeps under our car!!" 4. Upon returning home from church you find a "Bucket-o-Toup" glue in your bathroom 3.During pit reports Buddy Baker is seen wiping his brow with your wife's underwear 2. You find Kris Econimaki propped up among your shop's wood supply AND THE NUMBER 1 SIGN THAT THE CBS BROADCAST CREW IS LIVING IN YOUR GARAGE: 1. Your wife finds a 47 inch pair of boxer shorts in the laundry with "Benny P." written on the waistband

10 PITCREW PICK UP LINES: From G.E.Koenig 10. "I got a unique set of pushrods back at the shop, whats say we run over there and install one?" 9. "Wow! I bet you'd even look hot in a Nomex teddy!" 8. "Wanna see a neat trick I can do with a Hoosier inner liner and an ignition coil?" 7. "Can I take you on a tour of no. 3's backseat?" 6. "I'm the kind of a guy that likes to tinker with a rear steer chassis, know what I mean?" 5. "Hand me that greasegun- better yet spread a little on my back" 4. "I see you got more hot parts than a brake rotor at Bristol!" 3. "I adjusted the spring tension on my bed, wanna take a test lap?" 2. "My favorite tool ain't no Snap-On brand" AND THE NUMBER 1 PITCREW PICKUP LINE: 1. "Why don't you reach in my pants and adjust my spoiler height"

TOP 10 LAWS OF AUTO RACING 10) The number of times you get hit in a pileup is directly proportional to the number of times you said "I think it will go ok today". 9) You only get the lead when you need fuel. 8) If a tire can go on the wrong side, it will. 7) A part will never break during a test session, only during a race. 6) The driver behind you is always the one you punted last week. 5) The part you left at the shop is the one you need. 4) The number of laps remaining is always one more than the amount of fuel left in the car. 3) Your good car will get wrecked, your bad car will finish the race, two laps down. 2) The concrete wall is harder at the tracks you wreck at. And the number one Law of Auto Racing is.... A 10-car pileup will never happen *behind* you!

TOP 10~~EARNHARDT'S BAD SEASON 10. His Chevy dealership is running a "Buy one get one free" sale 9. His picture is added to Piggly Wiggly "missing NASCAR champs" milk cartons 8. Forced to enter Jed Clampett's Ford in super truck series 7. Childress gives t.v. interviews wearing paper bag over head 6. GM threatin's to pull out and hell have to go to the Taurus 5. G.M. execs dub him "Mr. Goodretch" 4. Chinese department of tourism seeks him as spokesperson for their "Kiss the great wall" promotion 3. Crew pissed that his stops interrupt their pit stall twister games 2. Instead of roses or hotel keys, senile groupies toss full Depends at him AND THE NUMBER 1 SIGN EARNHARDT'S HAVING A BAD SEASON: 1. Steve Kinser driving the Oscar Meyer Wiener car outqualifies him at Daytona